Tuesday, 25 February 2014
Here we go again. I missed Friday's post. Of course, I didn't have anything important or valuable to say and I had company in from out of town, so maybe it was for the best. As for tonight, I just finished up some work left over from today. I may have mentioned I am covering for a colleague when she goes out on maternity leave in four weeks? Well, her waters broke yesterday, so her leave started today. And although I am not really ready, I am going to do my best, which of course means working harder for a while to catch up. I would so much rather be writing. And before I go off on a tangent... This is supposed to be a mommy-ish post, so here goes.
Tonight I had to face a hard truth. I had to fill out a membership form for my little boy to start Lego club on Tuesday nights. Lego club is at the Sensory Centre and held for children with a disability. Tonight, for the first time, I had to admit-- if only on paper-- that my son has a disability. Although we have not been given a firm diagnosis, the team of doctors, psychologists, etc. in charge of assessing him has confirmed that he has Sensory Processing Disorder, something that deep down I already knew. They also keep referring to his symptoms and the challenges we are facing as being 'common in Autism Spectrum Disorder'. They haven't come right out and said my son is autistic, but I think again it's something we already know.
The last few months have been the hardest I think I have ever faced. He doesn't understand or even notice that he is different. In fact, most of the other children in his class don't notice it either. Their parents do, though. We have had a few months of what can only be called bullying at the hands of a few of these parents. They tell their kids not to play with him because he 'isn't right' or say that he is 'naughty and will always be naughty because he can't change'. One real gem has even referred to him-- to her son--as' that f'ing boy'. TO HER SON! The kid came in and told my son this--word for word-- and he didn't bother to censor it as I have here. What is wrong with people?!
So, needless to say, all of these kids are coming to school telling my already emotionally fragile six-year-old what their moms say about him. This has resulted in him being sad and telling me how worthless he is because 'so-and-so's mom says so'. Honest to God, it is all I can do not to go in and give these women a piece of my mind and then some. Imagine grown women-- thirty years old plus-- bullying a six-year-old in this way. If I wasn't a lady...
I can honestly say, I never teased or picked on a disabled person. Not even when I was a child. Maybe because I was bullied as a child. But I have to be honest and say that before I became the mother of a special needs child I looked at other special needs moms with pity. Pity that I really don't want to be looked at with now. I used to look at those women and wonder how the hell they got through the day. Now I look at myself in the mirror at the end of the night and wonder how the hell I made it.
Even still, it did not really hit me that my child has a 'disability' until tonight when I had to check 'ASD' on the Sensory Centre membership form. I wonder, if having a disability makes my son different, does it make me different, too? I sure feel different. I don't think most mothers go through the same daily stresses that I do. I swear, every time some chipper, not-a-hair-out-of-place, size 6 mom says to me 'well, parenting IS hard, you know' I want to kill her.
Yes, I knew parenting was going to be hard. I know now that my 22 month old won't sleep through most nights and that I have to be prepared to go to work full-time on three hours sleep. I also know that kids have tantrums. But for years I thought that surely parenting shouldn't be as hard as I was finding it. Surely I must have been doing something wrong to make things difficult on myself. Or if not, maybe I just wasn't up to the challenge. It was almost a relief when the doctor told me that he was on the autism spectrum. I could finally believe that I wasn't just the world's worst mom; that instead I just had a particularly challenging child. Parenting for me WAS harder than it could have been.
These first six years have been the hardest of my life, and not ones I would necessarily want to repeat, but now that we are getting some support I have hope that the next six will go a little more smoothly So here's to all of the mom's out there finding parenting a little harder than they expected. Whether you are the parent of a special needs child or not. Know this-- You are not alone. You are not a crappy mom! Just keep doing your best. Your best will be THE best for your child.
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
As per the norm, reality has reared his ugly head. My real job, and the part-time stuff I do to make a bit extra each month, will be demanding more of my time for the next few months, maybe more. In an effort to not go back to posting useless drivel or stressed-out whinges, I have decided to only concentrate on posting on Monday and Friday. If I have time on a Wednesday I'll post, but only if I can make it something worth posting. I will be posting here and on my 'work-related' blogs only, cutting back even further to focus on quality, not quantity.
Monday will continue to be more mommy/family posts and I will alternate between fun and fiction on Friday. I hope this 'break' will mean that my posts will be more valuable and entertaining and that I will begin to grow my audience. So, with that I have to go get some paid work done so I will have time to work on my WIP later. See you all on Friday!
Monday, 17 February 2014
Saturday, 15 February 2014
Friday, 7 February 2014
I am on a bit of a downer today. It would appear that once again fate/the UK has decided to show me just how much I do not belong here. Rather than whine about it here, I am going to go to bed with a book. Maybe the one I am working on, more likely someone else's as an escape. And cuddle the cat .
I wish all a great weekend. Please pray mine gets better.
Monday, 3 February 2014
In the past few months, I have been thinking a lot about who I actually am. And maybe more importantly, who I want to be. It seems strange to be finding myself, or trying to at least, this late in life, but then I never have been one to play by the rules.
Today I realised that the only thing I really like about my job is that it pays me. It isn't where I want to be in five years. Hell, I'm not sure it's where I want to be this time next year. Unfortunately, I need the money. I know that I should be grateful to even have a job. I am, really. I have flexibility, which is awesome since I have the kids to think of. I also have a great line manager who is sympathetic to my needs.
Still, I want more. I have always heard 'dress for the job you want, not the job you have'. Recently, I've taken that to heart. I have re - vamped my wardrobe and started to take more time for hair and makeup. Now I am wondering if there is more to it.
It might be time to take it a bit further. Act like I already have my dream job. Surround myself with people who have similar goals. And do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be. So, off I go!